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March 15, 2006
The Ides of March
Monday afternoon a student stopped by my office and after he'd asked and I'd answered the question he had for me, he stayed for a few minutes to chat. Quite suddenly he surprised me by saying, "Wow, you're really happy today! You're, like, glowing or something. Did you get a new boyfriend last week?"
"I most certainly did not get a new boyfriend last week," I said. "And if I did, I wouldn't discuss it with you. But I'm not really that happy. You're just noticing it more because I'm easier to chat up in my office than in class."
"Nah," he said. "You're definitely happier. You must have had a really good spring break."
"Well, as a matter of fact, I did," I said. "I was, let's say, 70% as productive as I should have been, which pretty much counts as very productive, considering all I had to do. I'm caught up with most things. That makes me happy. The idea of having an easy week makes me happy."
After the student left, I analyzed my mood and realized I was indeed extra happy. For reasons I could not and cannot explain, I felt like a beloved child of the universe, blessed with abundant good fortune I was eager to share. I fully expected to come home and find some notice of success or largess mixed in with the pleas for money my mail usually consists of, but when there was no such notice, it didn't hurt my mood a bit. I was merely happy, uncomplicatedly and profoundly happy, which was great until it came time to go to bed. I was in such a fantastic mood, so full of good spirits and the delightful conviction that some entity was busy devising ways to bestow great bounty on me, that I couldn't fall asleep.
So, as I occasionally do when I can't sleep, I popped a prescription sleeping pill.
Insomnia has been one of the great trials of my life. Sometimes I simply cannot sleep to save my life, and there's no obvious answer as to what causes my insomnia, aside from clinical depression and/or severe anxiety. I have lots of experience in trying to overcome it. I've tried all kinds of prescription meds and I scoff at wimpy pills like Ambien, which is supposed to help make you drowsy (like I need something to make me drowsy when I've been sleep-deprived for well over two weeks!) and which also has a half-life of only three or four hours so that you don't wake up feeling hungover. There's also been this stuff in the news recently about how Ambien can cause memory blackouts: supposedly you can take it and be awake enough to have conversations and make really bad decisions--like going outside, taking off all your clothes, and picking a fight with a policeman--but not remember it the next day. That's not what I personally look for in a sleeping pill. No, if I'm going to take a prescription sleeping pill, I want it to be something that will render me unconscious as quickly as possible and keep me that way a good seven or eight hours. It's true that if I do wake up in the middle of the night after taking such a pill I feel all drugged and out of it, but I rather like the feeling because it means I'll almost certainly go back to sleep.
After years of trying different prescriptions, I found something a few years ago that worked for me: brand-name Restoril, generic Temazepam. Sometimes I'll go weeks or even months without needing to resort to it, but sometimes I rely on it quite a bit. It has been a godsend, but I have very strict rules about how often I can take it. I never take it more than two nights in a row or more than four nights in a given week unless I'm traveling (in which case I give myself permission to take it every night because there's something deeply awful about lying awake in someone else's guestroom and being really exhausted and irritable when you're on vacation). As for any remaining nights when I can't sleep, I employ various other remedies, including a Benadryl and a shot of vodka (which is what I used last night), chamomile tea, lots of yoga, visualizations, and when those fail, I'm not above sitting at my computer at 3 a.m. in the foulest of moods, sulking and bitching and sending email to everyone I know about how much I wished I were asleep.
Anyway the point of all this is that taking that pill is perhaps one reason why my extreme good mood was less extreme by Tuesday morning. That, and the fact that several of those minor tasks I didn't quite finish over spring break had to be dealt with on Tuesday, and I woke up knowing it. There was also a problem with the weather: Monday was rainy and warm; Tuesday was mightily windy and there was a decent amount of snow blowing around. It didn't accumulate--the wind wouldn't let it settle--but it was nasty and I had to run errands in it.
This morning the weather's lousy and I'm OK--not all that happy, but not exactly cranky, either, which I guess is good enough for a day that's supposed to be inherently inauspicious. For most of 2006 I've slept pretty well, but the last few days my sleep has been disrupted by something--I'm not sure what, since nothing has been all that different except for being really relaxed and happy, and if being relaxed and happy gives me insomnia, something's wrong. Restoring my preferred sleep pattern is going to become my primary project starting Friday--I've got social obligations both tonight and tomorrow night--and who knows? I might end up in a really good mood again soon after that.
Posted by Holly at March 15, 2006 9:18 AM
Comments
Did you see the Slate article on over-the-counter sleep aids? http://www.slate.com/id/2062791/ Seth Stevenson (the writer) says he is not a chronic insomniac but he does some interesting experiments. He is fond of an herbal concoction called Calms-Forte (accent over the e), which I have not heard of and don't know if it's available on this side of the ocean. Anyway, I don't know if any of the pills he tried would be helpful but the article was a nice read...
Posted by: spike at March 15, 2006 10:33 AM
Really good moods are sometimes so inexplicable and transient – that I dare not question them.
Good luck sleeping - :)
Posted by: frankengirl at March 15, 2006 1:35 PM
I spent a month last year not sleeping more than 2-4 hours a night (except for the few Ambien nights, when I slept closer to 5-6 hours). I was finally able to get out of it by a combination of refusing to worry, knitting and keeping a sleep journal.
Lack of fear and the associated anxiety did wonders for my mystical self. It's easier to experience the dark nights of the soul when you're awake.
I think I must be a Benadryl-junkie. I take it 3-4 times a week. My favorite turbo sleep aid is Lunesta--it's supposedly non-addictive, and the only side effect is a mildly bitter taste in the mouth the next morning. I use it maybe once every few months now.
Posted by: John at March 16, 2006 12:57 AM
John--I'm glad to find someone else who appreciates the value of Benadryl. It's one of my favorite over-the-counter drugs. The other is Advil, which does a pretty good job of mitigating menstrual cramps.
John, and Spike, thanks for mentioning Lunesta and calms-forte--I will try to track those down.
and Frankengirl, thanks for reminding me that sometimes, it's OK just to be happy that I'm happy.
Posted by: Holly at March 16, 2006 11:33 AM
"thanks for reminding me that sometimes, it's OK just to be happy that I'm happy."
I do have to remind myself, too. Happy weekend.
Posted by: frankengirl at March 16, 2006 6:26 PM
Got to watch that happiness.
I'm very happy because I put on a big deal community forum and everything went great! Had a little too much food & booze to celebrate, but oh well.
Posted by: Hattie at March 17, 2006 12:50 AM