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February 15, 2006
The "Sorry I Date-Raped You" Card
I just checked the stats for my blog, and discovered that someone ended up at my site while doing a search for a "'sorry I date-raped you' card."
Huh.
I know how they ended up here: I posted an entry where I mention that a guy I was dating once apologized for date-raping me. (Yes, the apology was warranted. Yes, I was young enough and stupid enough that I didn't break up with him, either after the non-consensual sex or the apology. Yes, the entire experience continues to affect my views on men, courtship, and issues of consent in sex.)
What I don't know is what the card means. It is a joke? Is it serious? Could such a card be used as an admission of guilt--and therefore evidence--against someone who had committed a date-rape?
My guess is, it's a joke--about like those awful t-shirts discussed on Shakespeare's Sister. But that raises the question: WHY is this a topic our culture finds funny?
I just got done teaching Night by Elie Wiesel in one of my courses. Of course everyone found it horrifying and upsetting. Everyone sympathized with the suffering of the narrator, and condemned the holocaust, and thought it completely fitting that Wiesel bear personal witness of what the Nazis did to the Jews.
This week we are reading Two or Three Things I Know for Sure by Dorothy Allison, in which she discusses being raped by her step-father when she was five years old. One guy said, "When I got to the part where she says, 'My step-father raped me when I was five years old,' I thought, 'Shit! Why is the professor making us read this crap?'" Another guy said, "Why do people need to talk about this? Why should we be expected to read about this?"
Um, maybe because in your life as a college-educated white American male, you're more likely to know someone who is the victim of sexual assault than someone who carries out or survives or dies because of genocide, not only because college-educated white Americans tend to be sheltered and protected from genocide, but because there are more victims of sexual violence in the world than there are victims of genocide? (Rape, after all, is a tool of genocide.) Maybe so you'll know how to react when your friend or sister gets a "Sorry I Date-Raped You" card? I assume, of course, that you'll never need to send one yourself.
Posted by Holly at February 15, 2006 10:51 AM
Comments
Ah, at times like this, I'm *really* glad I attended an all women's college.
Posted by: frankengirl at February 15, 2006 12:07 PM
Wow, great points, Holly. (Oh, BTW, can you tell me how you get those extensive stats on your blog? I would really appreciate that.)
College age, white males are HIDEOUS human beings. No ... wait ... ANY colour of college age males are hideous. Especially the ones who wear backwards baseball caps. YUCK!! That look is SOOOOO out. I really wish they'd stop.
I remember reading a few holocaust memoirs in college English classes, and what I remember is that if ANYONE tried to say ANYTHING that was REMOTELY different from the standard "Terrible tragedy! How could it have happened?" then the professor and the rest of the class cut that person to the quick in about 2 seconds.
I don't think I read any rape or date-rape lit, though (is that a sub-genre of romance? date-rape lit? Probably)
University English classes never seemed like very open places to me. And when you throw in a few young, male egos into the mix - look out, you're in in the world's most unproductive classroom.
Anyway, real good points brought up in this post. You're a blogging maniac. I can hardly keep up with you.
My favorite celeb gossip blogger is a really angry, young man, who really lets his subconscious do the talking. I think he really does it brilliantly (you may find it offensive, though. I don't know).
I'll be thinking about these comments of yours. Excellent job with your writing, by the way, Holly. I'm really impressed with/envious of your dedication to the art of journalling.
Posted by: Reese Witherfork at February 15, 2006 3:38 PM
I used to be shocked that not only would someone think that way, but that they would verbalize it in a classroom.
But then I realized that anyone who believes hateful things (reading about incest is crap) has such a sense of entitlement that of course they feel it's acceptable to spout their beliefs so everyone can hear them. Shame is a foreign concept. I find this to be the hardest aspect, by far of teaching.
Excellent post.
Posted by: spotted elephant at February 22, 2006 3:10 PM
"[A]nyone who believes hateful things (reading about incest is crap) has such a sense of entitlement that of course they feel it's acceptable to spout their beliefs."
Damn Straight. A lot of guys take the attitude that they have a right to not have to read about, hear about, look at, discuss or even acknowlege the existance of anything they deem "women's issues" (or more likely, "girl stuff").
It boils down to "The issues I care about are general problems--we should all discuss them. The issues you care about are "icky girl stuff," and why can't you just keep that disgusting shit to yourselves?"
Not a fun obstacle to teach around.
Posted by: RJ at February 22, 2006 6:00 PM
quote: Another guy said, "Why do people need to talk about this? Why should we be expected to read about this?"
Speaking from personal experience, we (guys) tend to treat this as some kind of abstract issue. Its only when one hears of it happening to someone one knows, does it go from the abstract to the concrete.
Denial is an easy reaction. :|
Posted by: Ambar at February 23, 2006 10:11 AM